Taste the Rainbow......

I'm such a shop rat. Actually, all my friends are shop rats meaning all we ever do is talk about our jobs when we are together. We talk about what's going on at work, clients stories, weird co-workers and shit you just wouldn't believe.  One of my friends actually works in a place that's as interesting as mine but she's all sensitive and shit about her clients and won't ever tell us what happens at her work.  What a pussy.  Anyway, it's inevitable that when I talk about what I see on a daily basis everyone says, "You should write a book!" and I just smile to myself because a blog is about all I can handle.

Last week this chick comes into my office.  (Disclaimer:  I try not to use real names on here but sometimes only the real names will do.  This story does not contain real names but it's pretty damn close and important to the story so I'll throw caution to the wind this time.)  Okay, so this lady comes in to my office and honestly, I don't even remember why she needed my help.  I go through a process where I gather personal information about everyone in the household (names, dates of birth, social security numbers, etc.) and I get to the part where I ask about any children in the house.  She tells me she has five children.  Her name was Ms. Brown (again not exactly her name but close and you'll see why).  I get her information and then I start...

DPS: Okay Ms. Brown, starting with your oldest child, that lives with you (I have to specify this or they will give me the names of their adult married children), can you please give me the first and last name of that child?
Mrs. Brown: Ivory Brown.
DPS: Okay, Ivory. Is that I-V-O-R-Y?
Mrs. Brown: No. It's A-I-V-E-R-Y.
DPS:  Okay.  A-I-V-E-R-Y.  Who's after Aivery?
Mrs. Brown:  Ebony Brown.  E-B-O-N-E-I-G-H.
DPS: Okay. Who's after Ebony? (I refuse to spell names the stupid way!)
Mrs. Brown:  Hunter Green.
DPS:  I beg your pardon?
Mrs. Brown:  Hunter Green.  Hunter has a different daddy than Ivory and Ebony.  His name is Hunter Green. 
DPS: Okay. Who is after Hunter?
Mrs. Brown:  Redford White.  But it's spelled W-H-Y-T-E.
(I'm fucking dying at this point, but plodding ahead, almost afraid to ask about the next child)
DPS:  Thanks for clarifying that. Who is after Red....ford?
Mrs. Brown:  Sienna Black.  She's the last one.

Thank Sweet Baby Jesus that was the last one.  I honestly couldn't contain myself. It's rare that I comment on names but I couldn't keep this in.  I said, "Well, you certainly have some colorfully named children there!" and she said, "Yeah, I know how it sounds with all the colors but I started with the first and it just happened with the second one so I kept going from there. Some of my friends call us the Skittles family because we have enough colors to make a rainbow. And you know what? Our dog's name is Blue and the cat is named Midnight.  We just really like our unique names!"

I had to bite my tongue because I was dangerously close to whispering :::taste the rainbow::: while she was sitting in front of me.

-Dedicated Public Servant

P.S. Shout out to my homies at ML (You know who you are!) I had a really fucked up day yesterday and they were there for me and I really appreciate it. 

Hell Week and a Really Memorable Client

I know I've been pretty slow in updating the blog but the word is out in my community about the services we're providing and everything has gone completely ape shit at work.  I'm taking about 125-150 calls a day.  Add in the never ending stream of voice mails that I must listen to and client appointments, I don't have time for anything and my brain is fried when I come home.

I have been getting a lot of entertainment from voice mail messages lately.  I was listening to them the other day and this guy tells me, "This is Richard Sullivan*. R-I-C-H-A-R-D S-U-DOUBLE L-I-V-A-N.  I've already left you four messages this morning. When I leave a message, I expect you to call me back immediately.  Not a day later, not an hour later. Immediately."

Poor bastard. Perhaps he doesn't realize that the message he left me at 8:11 a.m. didn't even get listened to until 3:27 p.m. that afternoon.

Another lady called and left this tidbit:  "HELLO???? This is Shanquaterrionna Jones*. That's spelled J-O-N-E-S.  This is a 9-1-1 emergency. I need you to pay my rent for June.  Please Lord Jesus Help me and call me back, please please please. PLEASE." and then she hung up without leaving her phone number.  Her reference to her matter being a 9-1-1 emergency was not really funny but I was laughing because she spelled her last name.  Seriously?  With the abundance of uniquely spelled names, I always laugh when someone throws out a clusterfuck of a first name with relatively normal last name and when I say, "How do you spell that?" they always give me the spelling of the easy name.

My best appointment of the week was with a rather interesting woman.  She wasn't like a typical client.  She was employed, only had one child and has never used any type of public assistance in her life (or so she said).  She was looking for some help and as is customary, I asked what happened that she fell behind on her bills.  When I ask that question, I always mentally prepare myself for some whopper of a lie, but sometimes my clients surprise me with their brutal honesty.  She said, "I'm not going to lie to you. I fucked up, 'scuse my language."  Okay, I appreciated her being truthful and I said, "Well, can you elaborate on that a bit? Did you have an emergency situation come up such as unexpected expenses? Loss of work hours?"  I could tell she really didn't want to say and I gave her the song and dance about how I'm not there to judge her (hahahha, I won't lie, I judge the HELL out of my clients!) and she could speak freely.  She hemmed and hawed and then finally admitted to me that she went out and celebrated her divorce and spent about $1,200 on booze and strippers (male strippers) last month and now she was behind on her bills.

I just gave her a little smile and asked her if she had receipts to substantiate her expenses and I'll be damned if she didn't have her bank statement showing all the transactions to the strip bar.

She was so candid and straightforward about her situation I couldn't really be annoyed with her.  I put her case through for assistance and on the paperwork I submitted, it looked liked this:

What was the primary reason client needed assistance?  Divorce proceedings
What was the secondary reason client needed assistance?  Expenses associated with post-divorce proceedings:  Strippers and booze.  See attached bank statement that substantiates expenses.

When I think back about all the bullshit stories people have told me about why they needed help from me, I think I'll always look back at this one as my favorite.  Sometimes you've just got to let your freak flag fly, right?

-Dedicated Public Servant

*Names have been changed to protect the inherently stupid and annoying

Ai Weep 4 Da Fewchur

This is a non-work related post.  Sometimes I've just got to leave that shit at the office because it's so annoying.  Instead, I'll bring focus to the dumbing down of America.

I guess it's because I'm old that I just. don't. get. why someone would write something like this in public:

lmfao now i see where he got his fakeness from..... n e ways like they say a persons true colors will always show within time... wish i woulda learned that sooner but its all good no breaken heart or tears this way just for my kids, im always here for u n ur brothers, k luv ya.

What the fuck is that supposed mean??  I had to read it several times over to try and decipher that nonsense.  Drama notwithstanding, it's still a gigantic mess!

What has happened to people? Do they purposely try to make themselves appear as dumb as a pile of bricks?

 

Dat, dey, dem, lil, foo and dis are not words.  They aren't even close to they word they are supposed to mean and it's annoying as hell to read.  Also, these words are being put forth by adults.  People who really do know how to spell and write but chose to butcher the English language instead.  I guess that teenagers can be expected to use text words as real words but I can't for the life of me figure out why anyone with a brain in their head would chose to present themselves as an idiot.

 

The same goes for people who watch shit filled shows like Jersey Shore and Toddlers & Tiaras!!!!!

 

LOL - I really don't care about shit like that too much, I just put that out there to annoy my friend who watches those shows religiously.  Because she's a fucking moron :)

Okay bai fo nowz haterz

-Dedicated Public Servant