I have been getting a lot of entertainment from voice mail messages lately. I was listening to them the other day and this guy tells me, "This is Richard Sullivan*. R-I-C-H-A-R-D S-U-DOUBLE L-I-V-A-N. I've already left you four messages this morning. When I leave a message, I expect you to call me back immediately. Not a day later, not an hour later. Immediately."
Poor bastard. Perhaps he doesn't realize that the message he left me at 8:11 a.m. didn't even get listened to until 3:27 p.m. that afternoon.
Another lady called and left this tidbit: "HELLO???? This is Shanquaterrionna Jones*. That's spelled J-O-N-E-S. This is a 9-1-1 emergency. I need you to pay my rent for June. Please Lord Jesus Help me and call me back, please please please. PLEASE." and then she hung up without leaving her phone number. Her reference to her matter being a 9-1-1 emergency was not really funny but I was laughing because she spelled her last name. Seriously? With the abundance of uniquely spelled names, I always laugh when someone throws out a clusterfuck of a first name with relatively normal last name and when I say, "How do you spell that?" they always give me the spelling of the easy name.
My best appointment of the week was with a rather interesting woman. She wasn't like a typical client. She was employed, only had one child and has never used any type of public assistance in her life (or so she said). She was looking for some help and as is customary, I asked what happened that she fell behind on her bills. When I ask that question, I always mentally prepare myself for some whopper of a lie, but sometimes my clients surprise me with their brutal honesty. She said, "I'm not going to lie to you. I fucked up, 'scuse my language." Okay, I appreciated her being truthful and I said, "Well, can you elaborate on that a bit? Did you have an emergency situation come up such as unexpected expenses? Loss of work hours?" I could tell she really didn't want to say and I gave her the song and dance about how I'm not there to judge her (hahahha, I won't lie, I judge the HELL out of my clients!) and she could speak freely. She hemmed and hawed and then finally admitted to me that she went out and celebrated her divorce and spent about $1,200 on booze and strippers (male strippers) last month and now she was behind on her bills.
I just gave her a little smile and asked her if she had receipts to substantiate her expenses and I'll be damned if she didn't have her bank statement showing all the transactions to the strip bar.
She was so candid and straightforward about her situation I couldn't really be annoyed with her. I put her case through for assistance and on the paperwork I submitted, it looked liked this:
What was the primary reason client needed assistance? Divorce proceedings
What was the secondary reason client needed assistance? Expenses associated with post-divorce proceedings: Strippers and booze. See attached bank statement that substantiates expenses.
When I think back about all the bullshit stories people have told me about why they needed help from me, I think I'll always look back at this one as my favorite. Sometimes you've just got to let your freak flag fly, right?
-Dedicated Public Servant
*Names have been changed to protect the inherently stupid and annoying
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